


Crash Landing

by Greta13



Series: Cosmic Love [1]
Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Past Child Abuse, Post 1x13, Post Season 1, Prisoner of War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-13
Updated: 2019-05-13
Packaged: 2020-03-02 11:40:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18810169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Greta13/pseuds/Greta13
Summary: Post 1x13: Alex seeks Michael out to give him a parting gift, and the two finally get a chance to talk.





	Crash Landing

Everything feels numb. It feels like his whole body is pins and needles, that terrible sensation of insensitivity before the pain of everything truly sets in. Alex knows from experience that he is in shock. If he waits long enough it the numbness will fade as pain of losing a part of himself takes its place. Except this time it isn’t his leg. It takes everything Alex has to maintain the wall between his mind and heart, or the gaping wound where it had been. Eventually he will have to let it crumble, let the dam burst, and let the flood of emotion through. But right now he has one last thing he needs to do. And he can’t be weak. There’s no point in letting Him see how broken this has made Alex, how the last good thing that has held him tethered to life and hope has been ripped away, how utterly shattered he is, because in a way he always knew it would end this way. Guerin would realize the same thing that the rest of the world already knew. Alex Manes is unloveable. Unfortunately his heart isn’t cooperating and the dull ache becomes a sharp piercing pain. Stabbed by two knives, and now that part of Alex that dared to dream that he was worth something, that maybe he could be loved, lies dying. Whimpering. Alone.

Alex suddenly feels nauseous as he walks past Guerin’s truck towards the airstream, gravel crunching beneath his shoes. He pauses as the world seems to move beneath him, even as he is standing still. His father was right. He must be a feeble and perverted excuse of a human being trying to pass for a man. And now Guerin has finally realized it too. Guerin must have figured out what a screw up Alex is. Which is why he left him for a woman. But what hurts even more is that it isn’t just any woman, it’s Maria. One of the few people he thought he could count on. One of the few that didn’t look at him with pity or disgust. And that’s what makes this so hard, so devastating, because in one fell swoop, he lost the person he thought was his soulmate, the universe’s gift to a broken and lost boy, and the only other person who had been his family, like a sister to him. His mother gone when he was barely old enough to remember her. Kyle had turned on him in high school. Jim Valenti died while he was off on duty. Meme’s mind leaving her long before her body became fraile. And all that he had left were Guerin and Maria. And now he doesn’t even have them anymore.

The crazy thing is that he never even saw this coming. He felt completely blindsided. He had thought that he and Guerin were finding their way back to each other. Slowly, but he had thought that they were laying a firm foundation of friendship and honesty that would lead them to a place of complete trust and love. Not just passion or lust. But the whole deal. A partnership that they were both ready and wanting to commit to. No more secrets. No more walking away. Which is why he told Guerin all about Project Shepard, even though it terrified him that it would push Guerin away. And he had needed time to process the fact that Guerin was building a spaceship, planning on leaving the planet. But he had returned, and invited Guerin to join his mission believing for the first time that maybe he could protect Guerin better not by distance, but by holding him close. And then in the prison he had bared his soul to him. Confessed his love openly and prepared to act upon it. He had been willing to die with Michael. But Guerin had thrown it back in his face with what Alex now realized was the truth. Guerin didn’t love him. Alex can’t understand why Guerin had even asked him to wait for him the other night. What had been the point? Was it revenge for all of those years that Guerin had waited for him? 

But he had never asked Guerin to wait, and honestly the other man hadn’t. From the way Maria tells it, Guerin had spent much of the past ten years getting drunk and picking up women at the Dancing Pony. Sleeping his way through all of the local eligible women, and maybe even a few men. And then Alex was back and suddenly Guerin wanted a public relationship with him, wanted Alex to drop all of his reservations and be with Guerin, in Guerin's way, who was a regular visitor of the drunk tank and performed illegal dealings in public venues. Because it was totally realistic for Alex to be in a relationship with the town’s resident petty criminal and womanizer and keep his security clearance for work. So Alex had put space between them, because he wasn’t ready to commit. He needed to figure out who he really was and who he wanted to be before being in any kind of relationship. Guerin hadn’t seemed to understand, but he kept on watching with his hazel eyes reminding Alex of the words “I never look away.” And for a while Alex had hope, hope that when he was ready maybe Guerin would be ready too. Maybe the cosmic love between them would be enough.

And yet this all felt like poetic irony, and he couldn’t fault anyone but himself. For years he had stayed away from Guerin. Pining after him, but believing they could never be. Not after what had happened that night. And in the end he had been right, all of the pain and suffering they had experienced together must have been too much for even the cosmos to mend. 

Once the dizziness stopped, and the feeling of wanting to be sick abated. Alex looked up and glanced over at the Airstream, the silver chrome sending a glaring reflection of setting sun into his eyes. Squaring his shoulders and raising his head he walked briskly to the door and raised his hand to knock, when the door flew open with a bang before he even touched it.

Face to face with Michael, all of Alex’s carefully prepared words disappeared. Michael looked beautiful. His bright hazel eyes clear and sharp. His long lean muscled frame built from years of hard work, yet with bronze skin still so soft to the touch. His strong features and chiseled jaw like a Grecian hero carved from fine marble. His wind swept hair floating in the breeze, a golden halo of curls illuminated in the sun’s shining rays. He looked like a champion of old, powerful, fierce, and otherworldly. 

“What do you want?” Michael spat out. 

“You said we would talk.” Alex stated resolutely, he would not be bullied or pushed aside this one last time. 

Michael pauses, a flicker of uncertainty, maybe even shame appears in his features, before just as quickly as it came it disappears. 

“So…” Michael mumbles letting his gaze wander off to the horizon, avoiding meeting Alex's eyes. 

“You never came back” Alex says firmly, trying to keep the wall holding back his emotions in check. 

“Well obviously not never..” The sarcastic cowboy mask starts to come up, Alex can almost see the distance between them growing. And it hurts, it hurts so much. And he can't hold everything back anymore. 

“I waited for you Guerin. For hours, I waited for you not knowing what had happened to you. Seeing you covered in blood and fearing the worst...” 

“I’m fine,” Michael interrupts. His eyes flickering from their distant gaze to suddenly meet Alex's. 

“That’s” Alex hesitated unsure of what to say, unsure of where all of this was going. “That’s good.”

Michael’s eyes seemed to bore into Alex’s very soul, the wall holding Alex together trembled. Alex broke eye contact and let his eyes wander down to Michael’s neck. There was a purplish bruise, such a strange place… and then it clicked. Maria. Michael seemed to notice what Alex was looking at, and he shifted uncomfortably and took a step back. 

Alex cleared his throat, trying to break the tension in the cooling evening air. 

“How’s Max?” 

At that question Michael seemed to relax and meet his eyes again, this time with a softer gaze, Max was a mostly neutral topic for them. Or at least the more neutral than most others.

“He’s stable. We brought him back to the mines. He’s in his pod now. He'll rest there until Iz and I can figure how to heal him.”

Alex’s eyes widened “I thought Max was the only one who could do that?”

“Surprise” Michael said flatly. “Noah told us that we were barely tapping into our potential. Turns out I might not be just a one trick pony”

“So how do you do it?” Alex inquired, curiosity stroked.

“I don’t know, Max killed him before we could really learn anything.” Says Michael somewhat acridly. 

“I’m sorry.” Alex responds softly. 

“Are you? Really?” Michael’s tone turned bitter, as he becomes louder.

“Of course I am." Alex says firmly, but without raising his volume. 

Michael starts pacing agitatedly, hands roughly combing through his tangled curls. 

“Strange coming from the man whose family catalogues and tortures extraterrestrials for bonding time.” 

Alex sighed, deciding to not even respond to that last spiteful jab.

“Look," Alex says, reaching out to stop Michael's frantic movement. "I don’t agree with what he did to Isobel or any of you by a long shot. But I’m sorry you didn’t get to talk with him, that you didn’t have the chance to hear about where you came from. But most of all I’m sorry he was your only option.”

Michael sighs and becomes calm for a moment. As if Alex's very touch calms the storm within. 

“Maybe it’s for the best. He was a psycho serial killer after all.”

“You don’t mean that.” Alex replies softly, looking intently into Michael's eyes. And he sees the moment that they change and become hard as steel. 

“Don’t I?” Michael pushes away, causing Alex to stumble. Michael's arms spread wide as his voice grows in volume, almost hysterical. “For all we know I came from a planet of homicidal maniacs!”

“No you didn’t.” Alex replies resolutely, standing his ground. 

“How can you be so sure?” Michael half yells and half cries. 

“Because I know you." Alex takes a step forward. "And while we didn't ever really talk much, I've known you for a long time." He draws even closer to Michael, closing the space between them. "You're a good man.”

Alex paused, taking a deep breath before continuing. Hand reaching out to cup Michael's jaw. His next words coming out as barely a whisper. 

“Because when the rest of the town turned a blind eye, you Michael, only you tried to save me."

Alex met Michael's eyes and noticed they both had tears threatening to spill. They stood there for a moment, neither knowing what to say. Alex ducked his head, and drew his hand back as he wiped cuff of his shirt across his eyes, wiping away the salty liquid. 

And for a moment Michael is transported back to that night when Alex's eyes had glistened with tears and fear. To the moment he saw Jesse Manes pick up that hammer in one hand and pin Alex with the other. There had been such hatred, disgust, and revulsion in his gaze. And Michael remembers what he had realized in that moment. Jesse was going to kill Alex. He was going to bash his brains in. 

“I have something for you.”

Alex's quiet voice pulled Michael back into the present. 

Swinging a backpack off his shoulders Alex gently set it on the ground and pulled out the alien artifact he had found in the wall of Jim Valenti's bunker. The glass like material lit up, shimmering and glowing as Alex handled the fragment with care. 

Michael's eye grew wide in surprise and awe. It was beautiful. In the golden light of the setting sun Michael could see the rainbow of colors shimmer and reflect their light onto Alex's pale skin. 

"Where did you find this?" Michael said, reaching out, silently asking permission to hold it. 

Alex gently deposited the artifact into Michael's waiting hands. "Hidden in Jim Valenti's old hunting cabin a month or two ago. I didn't know what it was until you showed me your bunker the other week."

“Why are you giving this to me now? Why didn't you say anything then?” Michael looked at Alex warily. 

"I didn't know what to say. I had just poured out all of my secrets to you, and my biggest nightmare became a reality. You showed me the console and told me that you were planning on leaving. How could I give this to you? When all I wanted to do was to beg you to stay!" Tears streamed down Alex's face. This was all too much. He needed to go, to leave while he still could, but something held him still. He wasn’t going to run anymore.

"Then why didn't you beg me Alex?! Why didn't you say something, anything to me?" Michael asked frustratedly. 

"I did!" Alex contended. "At the prison I told you that you were my family! I told you that I wouldn't look away. I was willing to die with you. What more could I have said?!"

Michael was stunned into silence by Alex's outburst. And so Alex pressed forward. 

"That night I waited for you in your trailer, I had that with me." Alex said gesturing to the artifact held still in Michael's hands. "I was ready to give it to you and tell you that I wanted to go with you wherever it took you, if you would let me. That I was done living my life in fear. But I guess it all was too little too late. Because you’re already gone, you’ve already left me.”

Michael’s mind raced. How could he have missed it? Had he really been so blinded by fear of being hurt, fear of another 'crash landing' to not see how Alex had changed. No. That couldn't be. 

“You ended it Alex." Michael pointed his finger at Alex as he spoke."You did. You said we wouldn't work at the drive-in after talking with your Dad.”

"So why did you confront me?" Alex asked, frustration bleeding into his voice. "Why did you ask for fireworks and explosions? Because you knew as well as I did that we weren't over."

“You said you wanted to be friends. What was I supposed to think?" Michael tried to justify.

"That maybe I wasn’t ready Michael. I wanted to be. But I wasn’t. I was.." Alex paused, shaking his head before continuing. "No, I still am dealing with the fact that I lost more than half of my unit when I was wounded and captured, and that’s only the trauma from the last few years."

Michael's eyes went wide and Alex grimaced, he hadn't meant to let that last bit slip. 

"And you know what, it's not fair of you to put this all on me. I'm sorry that I couldn't give you everything you wanted when you wanted it. I'm sorry that I couldn't get over decades of abuse and manipulation on your timetable. But you are the only family I have ever known, and Michael I thought that you felt the same way about me."

Michael looked away, shame coloring his cheeks. 

"Honestly I thought you of all people would understand. You think growing up without anyone to care about you is rough, how would you feel if the people everyone told you loved you, despised, abused and abandoned you? When everyone else’s moms and dads loved them except for yours, you get to thinking, is it me? It must be me. I’m the broken part in this equation."

"Alex..." Michael said reaching out, sorrow and tenderness in his eyes. Alex had never been so open to him, or maybe a little voice in his head said he just hadn't listened, but either way he just wanted to pull Alex into his arms and soothe each others' wounded souls. 

"No Guerin," Alex said, blocking the embrace. "You're with Maria now. I won't do that to her."

“Look… I… Just… It doesn’t…” Michael stumbled over his words, trying in vain to find the right words. The words that would fix things between them. The words that would mend the bridge that Alex had so painstakingly built between them, that Michael had so headlessly obliterated. Finally he humbled himself and asked “How do I fix this? Please Alex. What do you want?”

With a bittersweet smile Alex replied, “Funny you just don’t get it, do you? It doesn’t matter what I want. It never has.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed it!


End file.
